Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
