Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
