its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
