I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
