Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
