You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Randomize