I cannot find my penis.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
