i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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