How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
