I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
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can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
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Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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