My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
