If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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