Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
