God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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