Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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