Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.