so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
