Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
