I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
