from now on my penis is your penis
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
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Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
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I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i need to put some appletini on your dick