Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
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I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
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You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.