so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again