His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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