It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
