I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if only i could text you this smell
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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