After last night, I could never be a politician.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Randomize
