I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
