I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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