I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
