I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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