Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
