I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
