Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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