Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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