I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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