Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
