Jerry, you need to find god
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
