I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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