Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
