Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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