It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
