Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Please don't give away my fajitas
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
