the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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