Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
This is my gift to your gina
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
