And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
