I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
