I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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