Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I have tasted many bathrooms
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
