Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
