yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
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