my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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