Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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