you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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