My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
