Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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