why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I still have a little drunk in my system
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
