My Higher Power is John Stamos
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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