My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
