i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
